Friday, August 24, 2012

80. Good-bye, My Love

She spidered her way
through the dark hall
past the sleeping baby.


She would leave now
Her husband’s heart would plummet
tomorrow.


She knew this
But she still had to. 

She is me. 
 
 
MOV
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fiction, people!  no worries!  (plus my babies are 8 and 6 now)
trifecta writing challenge:  in 33 words, use an animal as a verb.  hopefully a spider can be considered an animal?

21 comments:

  1. Uh oh! Sounds like the end! I'm picturing her spidering. Seems like it would be sneaky and agile. Cool visual with this!

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  2. gut punch with your delivery. i love your word choices and how you laid them out.

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    Replies
    1. thank you! although it is a dark piece, it was fun to write.

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  3. Spider - Neat. Can definitely picture this.

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  4. Love your use of spidered--very vivid!

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  5. Glad it's fiction (sometimes it's hard to tell, you know.) I think spidered works here.

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  6. You could always go back and bite his head off isn't that what spiders do to the mates? It would save his heart from plummeting??? Loved it and it took me a moment to connect the dots which I like when reading I want to think the plot good job.

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  7. i agree with Janna... glad it's fiction!

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  8. I'm often amazed at how much people can accomplish in 33words.
    This is one of those times.

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    1. thank you! I appreciate the compliment.

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  9. This is haunting and beautiful. I left once, but took my child with me, so this hit me in a deep place.

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    1. wow, I am sorry. I hope everything turned out better for you after you left.

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  10. This fictional story makes me sad because there sounds to be some definite heart break ahead. I can visualize her spidering...poor sleeping baby!

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    1. Hi Gina, I guess I meant the story like it was the character's reaction to postpartum depression/ and perhaps feeling stifled/ inadequate with the new baby. I did not write the story intending it to lead to the direction of suicide (although it certainly could be interpreted that way), I meant that she packed her suitcase and snuck out in the middle of the night. I was picturing her as a spider like a Daddy Long Legs, and the hall as dark and narrow.

      There is a lot in this poem that remains unsaid, a "read-between-the-lines" sort of thing.

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  11. Lol @ Janice, that would definitely be very spider-like. Nice choice on your verb!

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  12. If I was ever going to spider it would be down a hall. You got in so much drama with 33 words. Well done!!

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  13. "...past the sleeping baby" - that's the part that got me. That was a punch in the gut. Leaving a husband is one thing; leaving a child speaks to something even deeper and darker. This is fantastic. Oh, and the spider part - GREAT image.

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  14. i love the use of spider! its one of my favorite animal verbs ive seen thus far. and the response itself was very well constructed. i especially liked that last line, way to punch it at the end.

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  15. This is brilliant. "Spider" as a verb is an excellent choice, but spidering past a baby?! What mother can't immediately conjure this scene. Such fantastic connotations drawn. Loved it.

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  16. Spidered is a great verb. I loved this!

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